Thursday, June 23, 2005

The cure for feline "It's Mine" disease....

Anyone who has ever had to share a living space with any number of felines, is quite familiar with the laws by which they govern themselves. For example:

*Never exit or enter through a door that has not been opened specifically for you.
*Never let a human go to the bathroom un-attended.
*Never allow any type of paper product to remain in your presence longer than 2 seconds without
sitting on it.
*Never confront the vacuum cleaner.
*Never ignore the can opener.
*Never wait longer than 3 hours to wake up your sleeping human.
*Never allow your human to leave the house without taking a part of you along (some loose hairs strategically placed on their clothing will do the trick).
*Never sleep out of the way.

Just to name a very, very few. But the most important rule known to all cats around the world is this:

*Never forget that everything belongs to you*

(a.k.a. the feline "It's Mine" disease)

In a cats world, they hold the exclusive rights to anything and everything they see fit....period.
No room for interpretation, no margin of error, no chance of negotiation....
If they want it....they shall have it. End of discussion.

It is this particular trait ...found in the genetic makeup of all felines.....that over 93% of owners worldwide claim to be the number one cause of friction in the household. Studies conducted to determine if this trait can be "unlearned" through behavior modification early in kittenhood, have all been unsuccessful. Scientists have been working diligently for years trying to isolate the gene responsible for this behavior, but the probability of their success within the next 20 years is unlikely. A number of vaccinations have been attempted and 12 step programs have sprouted up throughout the nation, yet the problem still remains.

I am here to announce that I.....yes I.....have found a cure to this common feline frustration.
In just minutes, using items currently in your home.....you can reclaim property seized by your cats.
No special training is required, children as young as 5 can successfully administer the cure (with adult supervision), and the risk to the patient is minimal. With a proven 98% success rate, I guarantee that if you try my method, you will not be disappointed. If you are interested in finding out more about this revolutionary discovery....please read on.....

How I Reclaimed My Couch...

My cure for feline "It's Mine" disease was discovered quite by accident.
It was a typical evening....my small herd of "It's Mine" infested felines had just completed their nightly ritual of forcing me off of my couch in order for them to take their after dinner nap ( I feel it necessary to point out that this would be the couch that sits unoccupied all day and only becoming "nap worthy" when I want to sit on it). So, I retreat to my usual place of refuge....the computer.
After a frenzy of face cleaning, a bit of rough housing, and some adjustments for comfort....the cats are soon fast asleep upon their favorite fuzzy blanket on my otherwise neglected couch. They tend to sleep lengthwise, a tactic designed to utilize as much space as possible so as not to be disrupted by anyone attempting to sit down. And so the evening goes...I in my not-so-comfortable desk chair.....and the felines sleeping peacefully in a warm purring pile on the couch.
And so it went, until about 2 hours later when all of the sudden I am startled by the sight of all five cats literally flying off of the couch. Seriously, they literally flew from the couch, in a cloud of hissing, puffed-up, freaked out feline frenzy. When they had landed on the other side of the room, they glared at each other in a strangely accusatory manner...all the while posturing as if ready serious battle.
Once I had recovered from the initial evacuation (which scared the ****crap out of me)....I found myself intrigued by what could have caused such an immediate, simultaneous reaction in all of the cats. As I watched them, still wary of each other, still puffed up and posturing, and very, very jumpy....I became aware of an unusual sound coming from the couch where they had been napping just moments before. It took a moment for it to register, but I realized what was causing the sound and was soon laughing hysterically at what had just occurred.
Apparently, as I was being evicted from my seat on the couch earlier in the evening, my cell phone had slipped from my pocket .......falling to rest under the blanket the cats would soon curl up to sleep on.
It was on vibrate.
Somebody called.


My cats do not sleep on the couch any longer.

I used the same method to keep one of them from sleeping on my pillow.


The Evening Cat Nap


The evening cat nap..... Posted by Hello

Monkey and his Ball


Monkey and his ball..... Posted by Hello

Baby Leo


Baby Leo Posted by Hello

My Beautiful Boys


My Boys.... Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

My Boys....

My Boys....Monkey and Leo. I love them so...the little shits. My favorite memories of them as babies include:

MONKEY:

The time I spent 20 minutes trying to wash some dirt off of his foot only to realize that it wasn't dirt...just a patch of grey fur. Oops.
The time he tried on Alex's backpack.
Boxing with him in the kitchen.
Plucking him off of the fence when it was raining as he refused to get his paws wet.
The way he climbed up one side of the chain link fence and instead of jumping when reaching the top (like every other feline on the planet) he would instead climb down the other side.
The look he would give anyone who had the nerve to put something on his chair.
How he would wake me up in the morning with his un-naturally loud purr....2 inches from my face.
How he never bowed his head to Ezzie in submission.
His obsession with the damn laser light.
His un-catlike lack of grace.
How big his ears were.
His never-ending appetite.
How he could not get up on the counter without a step stool.
How he would play with the water in the goblets and knock them off of the counter.
How he would knock everyone's keys off of the counter.
How he ate babyfood 2 weeks longer than the others.
How he needed a bottle longer than the others.
The time he threw a potato bug across the room.
His perfect butt wiggle.







LEO:

Leo and his feather. Leo blowing bubbles. Leo and his sticks. Leo and his flippy toys......
Playing flippy toy catch with him everytime I cleaned the kitchen.
Watching him do "laps" on the underside of the couch.
The time he tried to shove his feather in grandma's purse.
The time he put his treasured first kill (mouse) in my purse for me.
The time I woke up from a nap to find the house full of feathers....and in the corner sat Leo with one hanging from his mouth.
Laughing at his sleepy eye in the morning.
The way he took care of the second litter....."The Nanny".
His squeek of a meow.
His hatred of lemon cookies.
His love of cheerios.
The time he chased four big cats up the tree in the yard.
The time he tried to bring a stick in through the slider....and got stuck.
How he would go out in the rain and come back looking as if he had been thrown in a river and proceed to clean his feet.
How he snuggled up with Monkey to take a nap.
How he would sleep with the coffee cups if the cabinet door was left open.
How he loved to chase the broom.
How he "attacked" the vacuum cleaner cord.
How he would insist that he could fit in anything.
The time I woke up in the middle of the night hearing a bizarre commotion in the other room....only to find that it was Leo running around the house frantically trying to free himself of the plastic bag he had gotten stuck around his middle like a skirt.
How he would eat rubberbands.
How he would try to catch the ducks as they flew overhead.
How he cried whenever I went into the laundry room.
How he always slept in the most peculiar positions.
How he loved to play peek-a-boo in the kitchen.
How he would have Ezzie lick his head when he was tired.
How he would get so tired but refuse to stop playing and take a nap.
How cute his freckle was.
How he was so happy and fearless and impossible to get mad at.
How he looked out the kitchen window and wagged his tail.
How he balanced on my hand to catch bugs.
How funny he was with a cricket.
How he would walk on the computer if I had been on it too long.
How he loved it when I made him a tent.
How shocked he looked when I tossed them treats.
How he could catch the discs from the space shooter in mid-air.
How he cried if you shut the bathroom door.
How he always walked across every counter and the stove before cleaning his muddy feet.
How he always fell off the counter when trying to sleep in the basket.
How he used to get stuck on my sweaters.
How he used to play with Molly's hair while she was trying to do her homework (or her shoelaces, or her pencil, or her paper...)
How many toys he would get stuck under the stove and the fridge.
How he always had to be the center of attention.
How the kittens adored him.
How he turned everything into a toy.
How happy he was when I came home.
How he never failed to make me laugh every single day.
How much I loved him.





Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Prince Raja


Raja Posted by Hello

Little Leo


Leo Posted by Hello

Squishy Sassy


Squishy Posted by Hello

Baby Monkey


Monkey Posted by Hello

Lucie's First Litter.....

Lucie's first litter....born April 23 2004...
All boys (of course that little fact was not found out until much later)
They are: Monkey, Leo, Squishy (first thought to be a girl) and Raja (also first thought to be a girl).
This is the litter that kept me up all night, shredded my hands as I tried to feed them, peed on my carpets, peed on my lap...peed on everything...
This is the litter that stole my heart and kept me from losing my mind.

The Joy of Motherhood


The Joy of Motherhood Posted by Hello

Monday, June 20, 2005

Ezzie....Curiousity Stinks!!

One of Ezzie's Finest Moments.....

It's 3:00a.m.....I am jolted awake by a stench so horrible I fear I may not do it justice by attempting to describe it in words. Struggling for air and with tears streaming down my face, I manage to stumble across the room and turn on the light. There, in the middle of the bed is Ezzie.....also struggling for air with tears streaming downs his face....however, he is also soaking wet. It takes me but a moment to realize what has happened.....Ezzie the dumbass got too close to skunk ....and got a direct hit in the face.
Now everyone has had the unfortunate pleasure of catching a whiff of skunk now and again, but this was a stink on a whole new level. It burned your eyes, it burned your nose, it burned your throat, you could TASTE it, it made you instantly sick to your stomach, it caused a headache you would not believe....it was AWFUL....and my stupid cat was dripping with it.
I decide to call the vet when I realize that "Mr. I just want to sniff your butt" has begun to foam at the mouth and is unable to open his eyes. They tell me to give him a bath and get as much of it off his face (duh) as possible and that he would be fine. O.k...can do.
An hour later.... the bathroom is pert near flooded, an entire box of bandaids as been used, I have called in late to work, and all I have to show for it is one very wet, very pissed, squinty eyed cat who STILL STINKS.
Oh, and a fine collection of "bathtub war wounds"......
Time to go to work.
And oh what a fine day at work....it takes just two seconds to realize that the gallon of perfume I doused myself with is not doing what I had intended for it to do.....people were jumping out of my way left and right. Those who could stand it, would hang around me just long enough to hear me explain my stinkiness...perhaps offer a bit of advice.....then retreat hastily to areas I had yet to contaminate. Great day for the ole ego.
Of all of the many tips, suggestions, and old wives tales that had been given me...the most common seemed to be bathing the offensive critter in tomato paste. Not tomato sauce, not tomato juice....tomato paste. I figure...what can it hurt? So I hit the grocery store, load up on the stuff and try to ignore the looks, snickers, stares and laughter as I zip through checkout.
Back at home....time to whip out the tomato paste. Knowing that there is no way in hell I am ever going to get Mr. Skunk Sniffer anywhere near the bathroom again, I opt to perform the bathing ritual in the laundry room. So, I open a can....slap some of it on him (the look he gave me confirmed his belief that I had finally gone completely mad), and try to "wash" him with it. Let's take a moment to analyze this last part.....exactly how does one go about "washing" with tomato paste? It does not lather up with water, it does not distribute evenly throughout the hair, it does not have a nice aromatic aroma.....to put it mildly....it is GROSS.....
There will be none of that "rinse and repeat" thing happening I can tell you that.
So....I cover this poor cat from head to paws with four cans of this gloop and do my best to rub it around....he is rather passive about the whole thing which should have been a warning, but I figured he was still recovering from his earlier bathing trauma and was not nearly as cautious as normally am.... Big mistake...HUGE mistake. I turn my head for one second and the next thing I know, he is shaking like a dog and everything within 10 feet of him was being showered with tomato paste.....it was on the walls, the ceiling, the floor, in my eyes, my hair.....my mouth...an unbelieveable mess!!
I do my best to restrain him and get him to the sink for rinsing (not an easy task with tomatoes in your eyes) and start dumping water on him. Damn...this stuff is not easy to rinse off.
An hour later...my poor cat has been rinsed approximately 40 thousand times, there is tomato paste on literally every single surface of the house, I have gone through another box of bandaids and not only does the cat still stink...he is now a lovely shade of pink.
He looked like he went through the wash with a red sock.
So, what did we learn form this little adventure???
I learned to never listen to the people at work.
Ezzie learned that curiousity stinks (and it turns ya pink).

Miss Lucie


Miss Lucie Posted by Hello

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Miss Lucifina Barbie Butt......

Where it all started....with one darling little grey kitten and her frighteningly enormous green eyes. Little did I know what adventures would await me when I brought little Lucie home.....in all her fuzzy cuteness. She is an odd one, always has been......no doubt she will continue to be. Once you get used to her perpetual look of utter shock/surprise/deathly fear/tail in light socket/large stick up the butt (take your pick), you will find that she is an absolute sweetheart.....well I did anyway....she's my little girl. But, like all the other felines I have ever been owned by, Lucie has her share of quirks and pet peeves as well.....

Tape-o-Phobia:

Lucie has an irrational fear of tape. Any kind of tape...masking tape, duct tape...but the one most feared is without a doubt ....packing tape. Exactly how this phobia came about is unclear, but I speculate that it has something to do with an incident early in her kitten-hood involving my sister and a roll of scotch tape. At any rate, anyone attempting to use this type of adhesive in the vicinity of Lucie, will get the joyous pleasure of watching her come completely unglued. First...she warns you with a brief "acking" noise.....followed by a not so brief "acking" noise.... which becomes louder and longer and louder and longer should you continue to violate her "no tape around me" rule. If that does not work, she will howl rather harshly and perhaps even take a swipe at you to get her point across. This behavior is almost always followed by a dramatic exit and several days of "the kitty cold shoulder" as punishment .....
Other items that have the tendency to start a Lucie Riot include....wrapping paper, tissue paper, the crinkling, tearing, or shredding of any kind of paper....the opening of an envelope, the unwrapping of a gift....you get the idea.
Lucie's "tape-o-phobia" makes it rather difficult to open mail, package things for sending, shred paperwork, use anything that comes packaged in cellophane.....and wrapping presents is strictly prohibited....you can, however, use a nice gift bag if you are careful not to overdue it on the tissue paper.

Beeee-Rushes:

This is pretty straight forward.....Lucie LOVES to be brushed.
That's it....

Monkey Now....


Monkey Now.... Posted by Hello

Monkey Then.....


Monkey Then.... Posted by Hello

Monkey.....

Monkey:

Monkey was by far, the homliest kitten you could ever see....he was so long, so skinny, and had ENORMOUS ears.....all of which made me fall hopelessly in love with him. As a youngin' he had a tendency to get tangled up in his super long legs, a problem that still haunts him to this day. Nope, Monkey is somehow missing the "graceful" gene common in the feline species.....though he grew up to be an alarming beautiful cat, he still trips over his own feet....falls out of trees....etc.etc.etc.

Monkey was also the scaredy cat...spent the majority of his young days huddled under the couch hiding from anyone other than me. Should have named him chicken.

Monkey was the complete opposite of Leo in many ways, but they were eerily similar in others. He was the timid shy one, Leo was the go-getter.....The two of them would go outside in the rain and Leo would return completely soaked and dripping with mud while Monkey returned spotless. Monkey was a bit of a priss back then....even refusing to jump down off of the fence if the ground was wet....he would instead, cry until I came out and plucked off the fence....thereby avoiding the whole wet paws thing.
And he was a whiner....constantly at my feet yowling at God only knows what. And should I be unwise enough to ignore him, he would attack me in mid-step, bite the back of my arm, and when really pissed....jump on the computer and scream in my face. High maintenance little pest I tell ya.
But I Love Him To Pieces.....

What's in a Name????

I do believe that I may have solved the mystery as to why cat's never come when they are called....at least mine that is. I suspect that it has something to do with a condition many pet owners seem to fall victim to....a condition I refer to as "Renamania" (pronounced ree-name-a-nee-uh). This condition strikes pet owners at an alarming rate.....first symptoms can begin as soon as a new pet is aqcuired and without intervention, have been known to last for several years. Humans suffering from "Renamania" feel compelled to provide their pets with an unending supply of nicknames....and nicknames for the nicknames, and so on and so on......
I personally suffer from a rather severe case of "Renamania".....take for example:

Elliot
Nicknames:

Elleree-Elleroo
Ezzoo-Zazoo
Quiz
Quizard
Perpendicular Puppy
Ezziecat
Ezzie

Lucie
Nicknames:

Loola
Lucifina
Lucifina Barbie
Lucifina Barbie Butt
Faloopa
Faloopa Do Nada
Fallon
Fallon Loonan
Powder
Powdered Floo
Powdered Floo Cat Girl
Rooster
Roostafina
Roostafina Shafar Shafish
Sugar
Shug-Shug Shugio
Shafin-Shafar
Pretty
Pretty Girl

Leo
Nicknames:

Leelo
Leelos
Leo Bo-Bo
Rerun
Peapod
Peapod-a-riffic
Squid
Squid Viscious

Monkey:
Nicknames:

Monkey Puppy
Monkey Puppy Toe
Fweapon
Fweapon Doseage
Fwep
Doseage
Dosie
Dosie-Dosie-Doe
Monkey Puppy Pooh Bear

Just to name a few.........Research has shown that the pets of owners striken with this condition are subject to severe confusion and multiple personailities are not uncommon. It stands to reason that the stress of having too many names could result in a sort of "hysterical deafness" thereby causing the pet to be unresponsive to any of them.
That's my theory anyway.
Or perhaps they just prefer to ignore me.

Leo's Sleepy Eye


Leo's Sleepy Eye...... Posted by Hello
Search For Blogs, Submit Blogs, The Ultimate Blog Directory blog search directory